I haven’t written in a few days becuse I don’t know what to write about. I’ve been working, and I’ve been diving. I don’t want to just talk about work and I don’t want to turn this into a logbook of my dives.
But that’s all my life is I guess.
I go to work. I don’t think anyone at work socializes anyone else at work. I go diving, I meet whoever I am diving with, we get in, we dive, we get out, and we go our separate ways. I don’t have anyone I socialize with, I don’t confide in anyone or have any close friends. I haven’t dated in a long time, I have always had a hard time dating and getting into a relationship. I can’t describe how I met any of my past girlfriends, except to say it just happened, randomly. Nowadays, most of the women I find attractive are unavailable or too young.
I read an article about certain retarded people, they literally can’t function in the world. They can’t hold a job or take care of themselves, but they are hyper-social, they can talk to anyone and get them talking back.
The same article describes the other end of the scale, people who are perceived as a genius, but they can walk away from a meeting thinking, “That went well”, but in reality they offended everyone in the room and everyone is outraged. They are just as retarded and the first example but they are sometimes able to function, hold a job, etc.
I’m no genius, in fact I don’t think I’m even that smart. I always feel like I’m in a little bit over my head. I always am running to go learn something I think I already should know before anyone finds out I don’t know it. I feel like I have to guard what I say lest I commit some unknown offense.
I don’t think I am fully either type of retarded person, but I definitely think I lean towards the latter of the two examples.
So I don’t know what to write, I feel like an inadequate, boring person who is wasting his life. Every day I can write a variation of, “had a lousy/great day at work today”, or “Today I had a great dive! here’s some pictures!” But I feel like if I said what was REALLY going on in my head, everyone would either run away or have me locked up. And I don’t want to be some psycho, (I guess I already am, but I don’t want anyone to know).
An hour ago I was sound asleep and dreaming, but I heard my front door open and abruptly I woke up. I walked to the door and it was a very pretty girl standing inside, who said “I think I’m in the wrong apartment”, and she went back out. Now I can’t sleep wishing I could have thought faster and found a way to have gotten her to stay!