Well, here I am on the Brac. Saw the OI girl last night. We spent most of the evening together and in at the end of it she said she wants to be “just friends”. She told me last time she had plans to try to get together with her old boyfriend. She told me the same thing again. She said she talks to him almost every day. So on a certain level, I can understand. On the other hand, I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking she likes (liked?) me too. She told me that she’s coming for a visit at the end of the month, and I was one of the main reasons. Maybe she was a little undecided then and more decided now.
On the other hand, I like her. I found myself trying to convey that I liked her and that because I liked her it made me want sex with her even more. ‘m not sure it came out sounding right. I don’t feel like I am doing anything wrong, I am not trying to just get sex. I want sex with her because I like her. But I felt uneasy pressing her for sex, but I REALLY wanted it. I don’t think I pressed too hard, and I told her I was afraid I wasn’t being aggressive enough.
I am one who does not deal well with rejection. Part of me thinks that if I tell her how much I like her, she will reject completely me because if it. If she wanted just sex last time, and I’m feeling attachment because of it, that’s a problem for her.
It’s hard for me to not let this partially rejected feeling show. Here my attitude is everything. I still have a few days here, I don’t want to screw them up. Also, I’m not giving up on her. But when I go back, I will have a direction. I will not be left hanging.
Another thing, it is difficult to “go back”. If two people are having sex, it is hard to go back to having a non sexual “just friends” relationship. Difficult, but not impossible.
I can write all this, and get my feeling sorted and make it make sense, but when I speak about it, it comes out wrong. Contradictory and illogical.
The weather sucks, there’s something going on, some tropical depression forming or something. It is seldom this cloudy and windy and rainy for so long.