I think I’m much older than I think i am . I see people who i think are about my age, and sometimes find out they are much younger than me. People who are actually near my age i think are much older than me.
This is a disturbing altercation in my perception of reality.
im in excellent health and should live forever, but I’m so old, i might die any minute!
I tood a 2 day class this weekend, Finding Our Divine Purpose, or to me, what do I want to be when I grow up? It was very emotionally in depth and soul searching. And everybody shared sensitive information about themselves and the vulnerability was very rewarding.
I thought I was the only one who didn’t have it all together, now I know there are at least eight of us.
I took my busted watch back to the store. I don’t expect to hear back from them unless i call. They plainly said the warranty covers everything except water damage. Even though it’s a swim watch, it’s a phone store and my watch, wrong or right, falls under their broad policy.
So its Monday, and I feel pretty neutral about the upcoming week. I hope to be pleasantly surprised.
My meditation this morning included “what would you do today if you had one week to live?” I would do the same thing I’m doing. I’d go to work, then the beach for lunch. (Maybe I wouldn’t go to work, just the beach). As far as dying in a week? I really don’t feel like I’d care. I have a great life, i can see it’s better than most peoples. I wouldn’t trade places with anybody, but I’ve been around long enough for me. On a side note, I’d rather die fast than decay slowly.
The meditation said that any breath could be our last. At the time, i was standing with my feet wide apart, trying to get my head to touch the floor. (Only about two feet to go!) I could easily fall and break my neck. Any breath COULD be our last. But oh well, can’t worry about it.
Seems like a morbid post this morning, but it isn’t really.. Have a fun day!
I woke up last night at the usual time, middle of the night. I felt the panic attempt to grab me but I evaded it. I can’t really describe what happened. I could feel it rising and I don’t want to say I pushed it back down but it advanced then inexplicably retreated. Normally I am unsuccessful at any attempts to control my “night madness” and I was pleased and relieved to have a hiatus. However, my assignment was to examine the panic and determine what it is that grasps me in the middle of the night every night. I know what it is in a way, fear and aloneness. But that is too vague. I must identify (and alleviate?) the roots.
This morning, thinking about it, I remembed ‘the protector’. My other assignment, which I had forgotten, was to identify and observe “the protector”. (I had asked if I was possibly schizophrenic when the protector was described to me) When things that I want to look at run away to avoid being examined, that is “my protector” protecting me. It thinks it’s protecting me from things it thinks are too painful for me to look at. This morning I tried to examine the fear and the protector hid it from me. I admit at the time that I was pleased the fear went away but this morning I realized that that was not the objective. It was not doing me any favors. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.. I’m ready to enter the haunted house.
In the meantime, I am in a great mood today, for which I am thankful, and, it’s my Friday! (Remember, Thursdays and Fridays off, rest of the year!)