Auto Squash

Yesterday I was backing up my photos. I found a poem I wrote to my wife years ago on my backup drive:

Nov 2015

The poem won’t win any awards, but it has meaning.

When I read it, I felt a shock. And I felt a welling of sadness . I remember feeling lonely and missing her, looking at her while she watched tv, messaging on her phone. If we were in bed, I wasn’t allowed to touch her, because it would wake her, and herr “sleep was sacred”. I used to put my hand close enough to feel her body heat without actually touching her.

The emotion upon reading that poem was like a yellow orb ready to explode, maybe into something huge like a sun or giant flower opening.

I felt this emotion, but before I could observe it, my automatic suppression systems kicked in and killed it.

I saw sadness as a little yellow ball of yellow, begin to expand, possibly into something huge, but then shrank and blinked out of existence.

I tell people I don’t have emotion. People tell me I do, but repressed. My marriage counselor and my meditation coach both say this same thing.

The second I read that poem, my mouth dropped open and for a brief moment felt so much, and immediately saw the whole thing automatically crushed into nothingness before I could even take a look.

This is a vivid example of (one of) my insanity(ies) and problems with relationships.

It was a rough sleep last night but I’m feeling good now. Thanks to the tools I have been given in recovery and meditation.

Have a great day!

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