Ortanique Thumbs DOWN.

OrtaniqueLogoLast night the Wife and I and four people she knows through work went to Ortanique, a trendy kinda restaurant at a mall named Camana Bay.

I was not impressed.

Started out, we sat down. The waiter came over, nice guy, real chatty. He went to get us water and drinks. A while later, a waitress comes over and gives three of us water, and leaves. I guess she had only a tiny bottle of water. Later the waiter came back with our drinks, and we had to ask for the water.

Finally, after after what seemed a really long time, everyone had water. Nobody ever asked me what I wanted to drink, I tend to be quiet when the wine list is going around, as I don’t drink alcohol, so nobody asked and I drank water all night.

Later, someone brought us a bread basket with three pieces of bread in it. Remember, it’s a table of six. There’s a notice on the menu “First round of garlic bread is on us”.

I ordered the “Caribbean Jerk Penne Pasta”. It was approximately a cup of pasta, and not more than half a chicken breast, cut up. I ate it in about two minutes. It was tiny. I should have taken a picture. The plate was this big round disk, with a tiny bowl dent in the center. It was huge but it wouldn’t hold a cup of water. Redonklulous.

The waiter asked if we wanted to see the dessert menu, we all said no, except my Wife said she’d have a look. The waiter brought one dessert menu for her. I don’t know the rules, but I think it’s politeness when people say they don’t want to see the dessert menu, and when one person says OK, it’s like an ice breaker, and the waiter should bring everyone dessert menus in case anyone changes their mind….¬† like I said, I was still hungry after my tiny fistful of pasta and I partly said no to the menu because everyone else did. Plus I was ready to leave so I could go get something to eat!

SOOOOOOOO anyway, (this is unbelievable) On the dessert menu, there were maybe 10 things. (I don’t know for sure because I never saw the menu) Of those 10 things, they didn’t have 8 of them. The waiter went through all the things they didn’t have, ranted about how great they were. Two of our six ordered dessert, which was a high number, considering only one of us had a menu. I was feeling pretty invisible at this point. And irritated.

The final kicker offer is the bill. The waiter left the black leather bill holder thing on our table, “No rush, take your time, this is just so that you won’t have to wait on me later when you want to check out.” Pretty nice, I hate waiting for them to bring the bill. Half hour later, when those that had drinks finished them and those that had dessert finished it. I open the bill. It’s not ours. It’s an already-signed credit card sheet, a bunch of cash, it’s someones bill who already paid and left. So I got up and went and got our bill. We paid and got out of there. I came home and had a major snack, because I was starving.

I think there are really no good restaurants at Camana Bay. They’re all the trendy, tiny portion, overpriced places to be seen instead of to eat. In fact, I never liked Camana Bay at all. when I go there I feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere, and everything is unreal, like¬† I’m at the set of a play. It looks like a trendy shopping mall place, but it’s all fake props. It’s creepy to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice place, well built, good design. But there’s this nagging feeling I have when I’m there…

That’s my post. Have a good day!!

9 thoughts on “Ortanique Thumbs DOWN.

  1. We gather you won’t be recommending ti on-line then? We are lucky as our locals although pricey are rustic and huge portions. The dogs love their doggy bags. The only throw back to the 80s’ style cuisine eatery is closing down as it hasn’t moved with the times and no one goes there. Have a wonderful Wednesday.
    Best wishes Molly

  2. Ugh. This reminds me of what still has been the worst dining out experience of my life. It was about 6 or 8 years ago now. The tiny portions definitely ring a bell. And there were gnats. Lots of gnats. I really should try to remember it and write about it.

  3. I live in Cayman a few times and the recurring theme is, very slow service, poor to moderate food and VERY EXPENSIVE.
    I kept hoping it would get better but it never has. No, I won’t be going back

  4. Kaboo, does nice little tapas and sandwiches, well prepared and decent value for money. I have been 3 out of the last 4 Saturday nights and don’t have a complaint.

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