I woke up feeling weird. I had a dream I can’t remember. Imagine you were born blind and you had no concept that such a sense existed. And nobody ever told you you were blind, and to you everything seemed ok. Then one day you suddenly get an inkling that something might exist that you know nothing about. That’s kind of how I feel. I sense this huge deficiency that I can’t see, or a big unused part of my life (unused part of my brain?). I feel like I’m trying to grasp something that’s right in front of my face that I can’t see. If I could see it, maybe it would be easy to understand, but seeing it is the hard part.
When I go on vacation, I have a fear that while I am gone, it will be decided that I am not needed, and I won’t have a job any more. Why do I feel this way? When I try to look inside at this, it is like I can’t see. I know I have a contract, I know I’ve done the job for the last 9 years, and if they wanted to get rid of me, there have been unlimited opportunities. On one hand I feel secure, but on the other, I don’t. When I try to see why, I get this huge weird blank feeling. I feel like if I could see, it would solve a lot of my (non-existent) problems.
Sometimes I go to work and feel like I’m going to get fired any minute, and sometimes I feel confident and needed and that I do a good job. The job isn’t what changes day-to-day, it’s me.
I cannot explain it. Sometimes I get fear, non-specific, unfounded, fear. The dream was related to that. Or maybe the dream causes it. The vacation fear is an example, but I there are others, like relationships, for example. If I could grasp the cause, I imagine I would be a much better person. And I don’t think it’s a whole bunch of fears, I think it’s one thing that from time to time, touches every aspect of my life.
I rekkon you’ve already called the boys in the white coats to come and throw me in the psycho ward, so I’m going to quit writing now and get outta here!