The Mystery Elephant Speech

My good friends, Caymanians, distinguished guests, Madame Speaker and members of the Legislative Assembly, immigration and police officials, visiting dignitaries, ladies and gentlemen of the press, my millions upon millions of daily readers, and of course, my Most Valued, Blog Commentators.

The Cayman Islands is not commonly known for its elephant population. I, however, am quite concerned with the sudden appearance of the above-pictured elephant in the vacant lot behind the Cost-U-Less store.

I was driving home from work about three weeks ago, and noticed aforementioned elephant in aforementioned picture in aforementioned vacant lot. My first thought as I legally drove by, not exceeding the speed limit, in my properly licensed and insured vehicle, was that it was a pig, a swine, if you will. I thought to myself, “Where did this pig come from? It wasn’t there yesterday.”

The next day, I drove by again and realised that it was intended to appear as an elephant, not a pig. The third day, I felt compelled to stop and take the above photo.

I raised the alarm on social media, and was shocked at the lack of response. Only one person said they noticed it, and nobody really seemed very concerned.

Where did this elephant come from? What is his or her mission? What is its immigration status? Does it have a valid work permit?

As I drove home, warily, and I admit somewhat fearfully, on subsequent days, glancing at the intruding elephant, I began to notice a strange phenomenon. Every day, the elephant seemed to be moving closer to the road! What is the method of locomotion? Do people come every night, and inch it closer to the road? Does it have its own propulsion system? Why is it moving towards the road in such a stealthily manner? What are its intentions? Could it be advancing for a planned attack on the roadway? Does it eat cars or people? Am I the only one concerned about the safety and well-being of our beloved Cayman Islands and Her people from all over the world?

Again I must inquire about the origins of the ghastly beast and its abrupt appearance from seemingly nowhere. Its skin looks not unlike black, plastic trash bag. If the elephant is man-made, where would one possibly find a trash bag so huge? This alone seems to indicate that the origins of this mysterious elephant cannot be of this planet. Was it beamed down to the surface of this planet in a Star Trek type manner? Is there a hostile spacecraft orbiting above us this very minute, with its lethal weapons trained upon us for an imminent attack? Or is there an alien spacecraft hidden in the bush nearby?

All these questions demand a thorough investigation! The Cayman Islands, nay, the entire Earth, could be in the throes of a planetary invasion!

So I implore you, dear readers, do not take this matter lightly. Spring into action, prepare to defend yourselves if necessary. Do not let us be dominated by alien, spaceship-flying, car-and-people-eating, sneaky, trash bag skinned, hostile, invading elephants that try to look like pigs!

The Future of Human Sexuality: A Prediction

I read that the US made same sex marriage legal.
I also heard that some clothing manufacturers are switching from “boys” clothes and “girls” clothes to “Youth” clothes.

This made me start thinking, and my conclusion is that in the future, parents will think they are “cool” if you can’t tell if their kid is a boy or a girl. Plus, parents don’t want to influence the kids decision what gender he/she may choose.

image

Remember “Pat” from Saturday Night Live?

Then, not too far in the future after that, you’ll start dating someone and won’t know if it’s  a boy or girl till you get them home and get their pants off.

Then, in the future after that, if you find out potential lover has the “equipment you didn’t prefer”, and you reject them because of that, then you can go to jail for discrimination.

image

Of course, I’m just being silly…. Or am ?

We Must Unite, And Boycott Toilet Paper!

The US Governments exposure for illegally collecting information is a decoy ploy so citizens worldwide don’t notice another heinous dastardly deed taking place.

A couple years ago, maybe three or four, I noticed a new advert on the rolls of toilet paper. “Big Roll” or “Mega Roll”. Here you see “Ultra Roll”.

tp

All my life, a roll of toilet paper has been big enough to fit between the roller on the toilet paper holder, so when I saw these declarations, I thought they had found a way to fit more sheets per roll, or were cutting the little squares a little smaller, because the rolls were the same size as always. And I though it was odd that there was no “normal size” roll.

The other day, for the first time since the Ultra, Mega and Giant labels appeared, The Wife came home with “Normal” size roll. It’s half a frikkin roll of toilet paper!

Now, it becomes clear that the Ultra Mega Giant was a ploy to make us think that since the beginning of toilet paper history, we’ve been getting a roll and a half on each roll and now, the toilet paper companies are setting things straight. That’s what the TP companies would like us to believe.

It’s a ripoff, and we must fight back by boycotting Toilet Paper! I know that isn’t possible, but at least boycott the companies that are involved in this horrendous vile scheme.

Seriously, think about it. Toilet paper companies can charge whatever they want, because TP is a necessary product that you can’t live without. And seriously, one company at least has halved the size of the product, doubling the cost without a price increase. And if one company gets away with it, soon all the other companies will follow suit.

I predict that this will be a case where the people will be sheep and pay whatever the cost, complaining all the time. I can’t do anything by myself, but I will never again by the product pictured above, who I think is starting this ripoff.

Aliens, Seamonsters and Anomalies

Yesterday on the beach I made found a weird footprint. It looks to me like an eight toed seamonster, or maybe a space alien.

In other news, the Wife is tired of me beating her up every day, and therefore tomorrow she says she is getting up at 5:20 AM, so she will be beating me up. My alarm goes off at 5:55 AM.

As most of you know, we have, allegedly, two dogs. However, I am beginning to think we have more than two. Yesterday, I was in the living room, and there was a big yellow dog laying in the middle of the floor. Of course she was laying in the most obtrusive, inconvenient spot. After carefully and with great difficulty, climbing over aforementioned large dog. I walked into the bedroom, where I found an identical dog, laying in the middle of the bedroom floor, also in the most obtrusive, inconvenient spot. Take my word for it that I wasn’t paying attention when she moved it couldn’t have been the same dog. Similar anomalies have occurred with the black dog. Scientific investigation to follow.

That’s it for your Tuesday Stupid News.