I’m behind on a ton of little stuff. I want to apply for my British passport, I have tons of little projects around the house that I have been neglecting. Call the plumber. Get my watch fixed. My scooter registration is expired. Do I buy a new carb for my generator or take it to the shop or both, or just do nothing and “think about it”?
A few days ago I was supposed to return somebody’s phone call and I didn’t. They said something and that is what tripped this guilt trip/rant. If somebody is supposed to call me and they don’t I am hurt much worse than the average human being. So for me to do it is preposterous. At work, I pride myself on completing every task by the deadline, but sometimes I procrastinate and wait to the last minute, Sometimes I think I did a really good job on something and it gets rejected or has faults pointed out.
I go through periods where I feel like I have a thousand tiny tasks to do, and cannot get any of them done. Nothing is ever good enough and I keep trying to achieve perfection, which is impossible and I am dissatisfied with the finished project.
Sometimes I’m just trying to make it through the day.
I went to the optometrist yesterday because I needed new glasses. My old glasses were horrible and I complained about them constantly and took them back several times. I went back to my original optometrist who agreed they were screwed up. Below are the glasses I should get in a couple weeks. Sorry I didn’t smile for the picture, I just wanted to see what they looked like. At the time, I didn’t think I would be posting the picture.
Also yesterday I was told that I have cataracts starting up in my right eye and probably glaucoma in my left. I have to go see a specialist and probably undergo surgery. Eye surgery is my greatest nightmare. But on another level I don’t even care.
My wife wants to meet with me Wednesday, I assume she wants to discuss divorce. I am full of fear and nervous and sad. But for about 5 minutes I imagined she might say she wants to come back home and I was really happy for about those 5 minutes. Then I woke up and shook myself out of it.
Last night was a rough night. Woke up about 2:10. Then I was in and out all the rest of the night. Twice, I dreamed I forgot how to breathe and woke up gasping. At one point, I was laying there, seriously wondering if I was asleep or awake. And not sure of the answer. Sometimes I think I’m awake all night, but my sleep function on my watch says I was asleep.
I turned in an essay for a course I’m taking. I was going for the Ace, 100%. I worked hard, I thought it was good. I got it back, she didn’t even finish grading it and she wants to see me after class.
I got super angry with a driver on the road yesterday. Yelled and cussed and laid on the horn. Scared my passenger I think.
I have become the exact person I didn’t want to be as a child.
I sometimes feel like I’m on a different planet than everyone else.
I noticed this morning, shaving is always pain, but showering isn’t. Making my lunch is a hassle, but making coffee is not. Walking the dogs and my morning exercise seem to alternate between wanted and a pain-in-the-butt, but it is seldom that they are both in the same category.
I certainly enjoy EATING lunch, when the time comes, but making it in the morning… Bah!
But anyway, Friday’s almost here. It looks like it’s gonna be a movie night tonight. There’s Something About Mary, I don’t think I’ve seen it.
After that, IT’S FRIDAY TOMORROW! The weekdays are a hassle, but the weekends are not! On the bright side though, did you ever notice how it seems like it’s only the first five days after the weekend that are a hassle, after that it’s not so bad…
Slow n steady, low and level, that’s how I’m feeling today. I’m just ready to go to work and work. Think of nothing but work and workin.
I have a pretty busy weekend lined up. Some kind of swimming event at Sunset House, a beach clean up Sunday morning, pizza on the beach Saturday afternoon, Friday night dinner club tonight (hopefully). Not to mention all the yard work I should have done last weekend that I didn’t do.
Tonight the Westin movie is some musical. None of us are going.
I stayed up late (for me) cleaning the floor. It looks good, but it’s not shiny, like soap film on the floor. Maybe I’ll give it a swab with some plain water tonight..
Below are pics from yesterday, “front yard color”
I had a super good day yesterday. My brain seemed to work at peak efficiency and I worked extra hard and got a lot done, including finishing a major task done. I was complimented on the sound of my fast typing. I said “All ya gotta do is spell every word wrong, then go back and fix it, and and it sounds like you’re typing twice as fast.” They said they didn’t think so, which is true, I was kickin’ ass. I also did laundry, went grocery shopping and cleaned the floor.
It’s not a bad book, kinda dry, lots of repetition. I’m about a little over half way done. There’s lots of useful information. I’m incorporating a lot of it, one area at a time.
Just for the fun of it, ask a random person if they have an old, dead printer or computer monitor hanging around their house. They probably do, I do and thought everybody did.
I’m not throwing away anything that belongs to the wife, except old medicines and perishables perishables. But I’m majorly cleaning.
The book reminds me of when I was packing to move here from the USA. I was clearing my house and I would throw a precious artifact in the garbage and feel incredible pain. Hand with item hovering over the can. But as soon as the object left my hands and fell into the trash can, the pain disappeared. Then I would be throwing another artifact away and look into the trash can and see the old artifact and the payment return. The secret is don’t look, you won’t hurt.
So this is a good exercise. Lots of old good stuff going to the humane society, partly because having a yard sale is too much hassle.
It was a very good weekend, overall. Went out to dinner Friday with a dozen or so friends. It was really wonderful.
Saturday, mowed the yard. And cleaned. A lot. Found some ancient, 2017 pasta in the pantry. And lots of rice Not expired. I’ll be eating rice forever.
The wife took the dogs overnight Friday night. When she brought them back Saturday morning. I was not really very nice. I don’t like her being uncomfortable and she looked uncomfortable and small Saturday morning. No matter how she treats me or what she does, I never want to be mean to her. I felt bad after she left and later, I apologized on a voicemail. Later still, I invited her out to a “nice” lunch on Sunday. She accepted and we had a good lunch and it was very nice, like old times. I made her laugh. It was odd saying good-bye in the parking lot, I’m used to us to getting in the car and going home like normal. I almost forgot to say good-bye, I took a step towards the car and she didn’t, and I remembered, “Oh yeah”. and it all came flooding back and I felt like bursting out into tears.
I’d rather be angry, sorta, sorta not. Being angry seems more powerful and in-control feeling.
Sunday morning earlier, I went diving. it was a good dive. But it was sunny and clear when we went under and almost completely overcast when we got out. Then it rained, definitely because I mowed the yard.
Below is a video of that my favorite fish, a juvenile Spotted Drum and below that, some other pictures from yesterday.
And now it’s another Monday It’s a holiday in the US, first day of summer.
Had a pretty nice weekend. Saturday went birdwatching with the wife. There is some kind of bird inventory going on. Also Saturday I made some slow cooker Barbecue that came out really good, I thought. Sunday, I went diving and posted the two videos above on TikTok. I like the music. TikTok is a pretty entertaining app. Find me if you have it, I’m MCD6D.
Tomorrow the wife starts moving out. I guess she will proceed with a divorce pretty quickly. I still don’t have a reason for her leaving except she “feels different”. I am not having an easy time coping.