Yesterday I celebrated 29 years. At the meeting, there were people visiting from Chesapeake, Virginia. Chesapeake is where I moved here from, and the Tidewater area is where I first got sober. They knew a lot of the same people I knew. It was fantastic beyond belief for me.
First day of the 2020 workyear today, I’m back on my routine. Got up at 4:45, walked the dogs. Sitting out back with the coffee and the post posting.
Not sure if I’d call it a good vacation or not, only made it to the beach three times, no diving. I gotta go diving, I didn’t dive much in 2019.
Yesterday I pressure washed the back porch. There’s this grey concrete dust stuck all over the place. It didn’t come out well, once it got wet, I couldn’t see the dust, and when it dried, I could see pressure washer marks on the deck. It’s better than it was, knocked all the big chunks off…
Not much to post about today, its Thursday, and I think it’s good to have a short week to start off the new year.
Last day of the year, last date in the decade. But it’s not the last day of the week, and I have to go to work Thursday.
I’m out on the back porch, Wife’s still sleeping, It’s cloudy and the tempurature reminds me of the first cool day near the end of summer in high school. You know, later in the morning, that it’s going to get hot, but you can feel a twinge of coolness in the morning. And there’s a quality of stillness.
2020 Tomorrow. I remember Y2K. Computers are going to blow up! Planes are going to drop out of the sky! I knew nothing would happen.
I’m rambling, just started the second cuppa coffee. Have a good 2020 and beyond!
In 2020 I’ll turn 60. It seems like I just turned 40 a few weeks ago. When I turned 40, I figured my life was about half over. Let me tell you, that second half goes by a lot quicker than the first half.
It was just the other day when I turned 50, in Tuluum, Mexico
My father died at 79, my grandfather died at 75. I figure 60 is the beginning of my last two decades. If I’m lucky.
But back to the title of this post, I decided that 50 is the best age.
When I was 50, I felt as strong, physically, as I always did, plus, I have a broad life’s experienes. Now, I notice weakening of the body. It was hard carrying those 80 pound bags of concrete, and more than one of the 94 pound bags of cement pushed me to the limit. And I notice that shovelling and pickaxe-ing gets me winded pretty quick. (I’ve been trying to remove the lake of cement left by the construction team.)
This isn’t intended to be a morbid post, I’m just telling you that so far, I think 50 is the best age. I don’t want to die, but I’m not afraid to go. I just hope it’s quick, no painful, drawn-out, senile, brain-dead lingering burden of an illness for me.
But I sure am going to miss my wife, more than anything.
My friend, since grade school, turned 60 a few days ago. I called him on the phone and he said “I made it! I made it to 60!” That’s a better attitude than I had, and it gave me a new perspective.
I rekkon these last 20 are going to go fast, and I better enjoy them.
Found an interesting article HERE, Betelgeuse is dimmer than scheduled as per its particular pattern of brightness variation.
Orion, where Betelgeuse is found, is a very common constellation. It has two triangles, one perfect and one imperfect. Betelgeuse is the red looking star in the perfect triangle. When I was a kid, I decided I needed a lucky star, and picked that red one because I was sure I could find it again.
The article says it may go nova, or has gone nova already. Going Nova means blow up. Explode.
Just my luck, I finally get a lucky star and God blows it up. It would be cool to see though. It possibly would be brighter than our sun for weeks or months.
Christmas went better than expected. Got it out of the way.
Really got nothing planned for the rest of the year.
I haven’t taken a single photo since I don’t know when. Let me check.
This is the last picture I took, December 20th
This is the excess electrical materials the electrician bought. The box is all full of light switches and plug-in things. I was able to return it all for over $400. Thank you Cox Lumber! In contrast, the plumber had very little excess material left over. I have very few leftover cement blocks, the electrician was very wasteful, and didn’t submit the paperwork for the added breaker panel that’s holding the whole project back. Not impressed with the electrician. But hey, I fuckup often too, so I’m letting it slide.
Today, I don’t really have plans. The wife is getting a new office at work and wants me to go help her move her computer.
That’s about it. I have aleftover bag of cement, and I’m thinking about expanding my motorcycle ramp in the carpark. Maybe, maybe not. probably not today.
I didn’t plan on writing a poem when I sat down to post my post, but here goes:
Every single damn year, I feel the same fear. It hurts in my head from ear through to ear. It's dumb, you agree, but it's important to me. That I buy you more shit, than you bought for me.
Worry fills my head No joy, only dread. I transmit bad vibes like angry bee hives. Everyone can tell that I don't feel well Dogs and cats they all run, they sense I'm no fun.
Friends and family will ask, "What did you get?" Your answer must not fill me with regret. So I must buy still more stuff, to feel I've given enough. To get you more shit, than you got for me.
The morning will come, I'll feel very dumb. You will be sad, I'll feel so bad. whether or not I got more shit for you, than you got for me.
The wife and I agreed, months ago, this was going to be a no-gift Christmas. What if I followed through and she didn’t? What if we wake up on the morning and I have to open gifts while she has none to open?
I fukken hate this shit. I hate the feeling in general this time of year. I hate the pressure of trying to find appropriate gifts. I hate acting like I like some piece of junk that I don’t need or want, and being stuck with it forever. I hate the self-doubt of getting you something you don’t like. I hate that I’ll feel bad if I feel like I didn’t get you enough, and I hate the worry that you’ll feel bad if I got you more than you got me. I find very little good in this time of year. There’s no winning.
And usually, I never feel like I’ve gotten enough. Usually I run out of time. No matter how much I buy, the fear never goes away.
Believe me whan I say, I have everything I want. I have no desires that can be put in a box. Believe me when I say, someone asks me what I want, I draw a blank. I honestly can’t think of anything. And I can’t think of anything to get you either.
Pretty much up till now, this year, I’ve been focused on the building project, and woke up thinking of this this morning.